oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
