My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
