And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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