I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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