Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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