You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
