Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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