I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
