My hand turned me down
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
