now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
