Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize