so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
