Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She bit a glass in half.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
