went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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