Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
