I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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