Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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