just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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