So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
