And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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