i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
