i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Say something about gay babies.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
