happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
