Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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