lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize