Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
