This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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