dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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