Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
