so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
