nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
