I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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