I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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