I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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