I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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