North Korea, Best Korea!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
