if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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