i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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