I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
