My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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