My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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