He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
