If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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