she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You ruined the universe
Randomize
