Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
