Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
