The maid of honor just puked.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
