sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Drunk is not a location!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
