mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
