Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
