It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
