I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
