its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
