Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
