Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
